Why self-compassion matters in leadership
A CMO I work with recently shared something that almost stopped me in my tracks. We were discussing a project that hadn’t gone to plan – not a disaster, just one of those outcomes that falls short of expectations, even with the best laid plans.
“If this had happened to someone on my team,” she said, “I’d have told them it was a learning experience. That they’d made the best decisions they could with the information available. That I still believed in them completely.”
She paused. “But when it’s me? I’ve spent two weeks replaying every decision, convinced I should have seen it coming, and questioning whether I’m actually capable of doing this job.”
It was a great example of a double standard that shows up regularly with the leaders I coach. The same people who extend patience and perspective to everyone around them can become harsh critics when evaluating their own performance.
Leaders who comfort a colleague struggling with balance, but push themselves through exhaustion. Who encourage someone on their team to learn from mistakes, but hold themselves to near-perfection. And leaders who tell a peer that progress matters more than perfection, but internally catalogue every area where they believe they are personally falling short.
It comes from a place that makes sense – you care deeply, you feel responsible, you want to do right by your team.
But a lack of self-compassion doesn’t make you a better leader.
When you’re constantly judging yourself harshly, it leads to operating from a place of fear rather than confidence. Mistakes can feel catastrophic. And you burn through energy maintaining impossible standards instead of channelling that energy into what actually matters.
Yet self-compassion isn’t about lowering standards or making excuses. It’s about recognising that treating yourself with the same understanding you’d offer others doesn’t diminish your effectiveness. In fact it can often result in the opposite.
The challenge is that self-compassion can feel uncomfortable. For leaders with high expectations of themselves, it can feel like letting yourself off the hook, or losing your edge. Especially if your success has been built on pushing hard and holding yourself to exacting standards.
But there’s a difference between high standards and harsh self-judgment.
And it is possible to maintain your commitment to excellence while also acknowledging that you are human, that leadership is complex, and that doing your best sometimes means accepting that your best looks different on different days.
Because learning to lead is a lifetime practice. And sustaining it requires being at peace with yourself, not at war.
Perhaps the real question isn’t whether you deserve grace – but whether you can afford to keep withholding it.
Notice: Self-compassion starts with awareness. How are you actually treating yourself, especially when things don’t go to plan?
Think about a recent situation where things didn’t go as planned. What did you say to yourself?
When do you find yourself being most self-critical – what triggers that voice?
What would change if you offered yourself the same perspective you’d give someone you respect?
Reframe: The stories you tell yourself about setbacks shape how you respond to them.
Where might you be holding yourself to standards that aren’t realistic given the constraints you’re working within?
How might viewing a current struggle as part of the leadership and life journey change your approach?
Practice: Self-compassion develops through practice. Small shifts can create meaningful change.
What’s one small way you could treat yourself with more kindness at the end of this week?
When things feel overwhelming, what helps you regain perspective – and how could you make that more accessible?
What’s one pattern of harsh self-judgment you’d like to interrupt?
Model: Your team learns from watching how you treat yourself, not just from what you say about resilience.
What would your team learn about self-compassion from observing how you talk about your own mistakes?
How could being more openly human about your struggles give others permission to do the same?
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